Kind parents, devoted children: a win for both family and society - Mutual warmth is the optimal answer
Translator: Lara Lee
Written in Guangzhou, April 30, 2026, Published by All Dimensions Press™ on May 2, 2026.
In the tide of the internet, Douban once gave rise to a highly influential discussion group titled “Parents Are All Toxic.” Countless people born in the 1980s gathered there to recount childhood wounds and to name the long shadows cast by their families of origin. Almost overnight, ideas like “trauma from one’s family of origin” and “parents as a child’s first bullies” broke into the mainstream, turning “family of origin” into a deeply embedded cultural keyword.
For the first time, many people saw clearly that a lifetime of personality flaws, emotional depletion, and difficulties in relationships often traces back to early family life. The very parents who were meant to protect a child can, at times, become the source of early harm. This collective resonance tore open the darker side of traditional family bonds that had long been glossed over, forcing society to reexamine the parent–child relationship.
As someone from the 1960s generation who personally endured a harsh upbringing, I deeply empathize with the outcry against distorted family dynamics across generations. I firmly oppose binding children with blind filial obedience or forcing them into unconditional submission through moral pressure.
But excess in any direction becomes a problem. Rejecting one-sided, oppressive notions of filial duty does not mean severing intergenerational responsibility. Nor should we swing to the opposite extreme, emphasizing only parents’ obligation to raise children while completely erasing children’s responsibility to care for and support their parents. The spread of this extreme mindset is, in part, one of the deeper reasons behind declining willingness to marry and have children, and the steadily falling birth rate among younger generations.
Raising a child is never a momentary choice; it is a long journey spanning more than two decades. The sustained financial investment, the endless expenditure of energy, the constant worry day and night, these form one of the heaviest and most enduring commitments in an ordinary person’s life.
Some people define the meaning of parenting in purely emotional terms: a child’s growth soothes the restlessness of adulthood, companionship fills life’s emptiness, and this mutual healing is reward enough, there is no need to expect care or repayment from one’s children in return.
Those who say such things are usually urban, educated middle-class elites. They have higher incomes, better education, reliable pension systems, and comprehensive healthcare. They do not depend on their children for old-age support, and so they can afford to speak of raising children as a matter of emotional fulfillment. This is not hypocrisy, it is sincere. But it is also incomplete.
Today’s pension system operates on a pay-as-you-go basis: contributions from the working young fund the retired elderly. Roughly speaking, three working individuals support one retiree, a ratio of about 3:1.
Yet many urban white-collar families now have only one child, or none at all. This means that two-thirds of their future pension effectively depends on other people’s children, often those from rural areas or small towns who move to cities for work. The social security contributions of these young workers, whether on factory lines or delivering food, help fill the pension gap. In this sense, urban elites benefit, however indirectly, from the sacrifices of parents in rural and less-developed regions.
The reason many rural areas still maintain relatively higher birth rates is precisely because the tradition of supporting one’s parents remains intact, giving parents a reason to have children. If we continue to promote the idea that “children have no obligation to care for or support their parents,” then even these regions will see a rapid decline in the desire to have children, eventually undermining the entire intergenerational support system of social security.
In fact, this trend is already unfolding. Since around 2017, China’s birth rate has seen a sharp decline, one consequence, at least in part, of the spread of such ideas.
We have to admit a simple truth: human nature is self-interested. People act, more often than not, to maximize their own benefit. Any system that runs counter to this tends to collapse, history has proven this again and again.
Having children is one of the most demanding undertakings in an ordinary person’s life. It consumes immense emotional energy, time, and financial resources. It cannot be sustained by sentiment alone; it is tied to concrete expectations. One of those expectations is support in old age.
It may not sound noble, but it is real, not just in Chinese culture, but across the world. Some say they will rely on society rather than their children in old age. But “society,” in essence, means relying on other people’s children.
If no one had children, there would be no one paying into the social security system, and naturally no pensions to distribute. Even if pensions were issued, without a younger generation, there would be no one to provide medical care, maintenance, or everyday services. Money alone would become meaningless.
In that sense, support in old age is a shared human arrangement. The ones who support you may not necessarily be your own children, they may be the children of others, the next generation as a whole.
Over time, however, this system has developed what economists call a “tragedy of the commons.” Because pensions are distributed in a pooled system, retirement benefits depend largely on years worked and lifespan, not on how many children one has raised or how much those children contribute. This creates a “free-rider” problem: some people have fewer children, or none at all, yet receive the same pension as those who have invested heavily in raising the next generation.
More ironically, some of these individuals take the moral high ground, saying, “I expect nothing from my children; as long as they’re happy, that’s enough.” This kind of rhetoric can place an additional moral burden on those who do choose to have and raise children, people who are already making significant sacrifices. Over time, it discourages others from wanting children at all.
Many young people today have come to understand these dynamics, and their willingness to have children has declined sharply, threatening the continuity of generational support systems.
We also need to recognize that, in today’s China, only a small minority of social elites can truly afford to rely entirely on institutional support in old age. These elites often shape public discourse, promoting the idea that children owe nothing to their parents, framing it as a kind of moral elevation.
But for the vast majority of ordinary people, especially those without robust social safety nets, aging brings real vulnerability. As their bodies weaken, they depend on their children not only for financial support, but for care and presence.
Speaking for myself, as someone with a stable income, I may not need material support from my child. But as I grow older, I will gradually lose mobility, judgment, and the ability to handle daily matters. Whether it’s navigating hospital visits, managing a home, or taking care of practical affairs, I will need someone I trust deeply to stand by me and take responsibility. In that moment, a child becomes one’s greatest reassurance.
And someday, when I am too old to go anywhere, dozing in front of the television, if my son comes to visit with his wife and child, I know I will feel a deep and quiet joy. That kind of emotional comfort is beyond price, something no amount of money can replace.
In truth, every one of us needs a child’s filial care. Some need material support, some need emotional companionship, and some need both. No one is truly an exception.
If we want to ease today’s reluctance toward marriage and parenthood, repair strained parent–child relationships, and stabilize the demographic foundation of a nation, the answer has long been embedded in the core of traditional culture: kind parents, devoted children.
Yet many people misunderstand filial piety, especially since the Ming and Qing dynasties, when distortions became more pronounced. In fact, the idea of “governing the realm through filial piety” can be traced back to the Western Jin. Emperor Wu of Jin once issued edicts stipulating that the unfilial should be reported and punished. He personally lectured on the Classic of Filial Piety, and even used local moral evaluations to bar the unfilial from official careers. This shows how deeply filial values were once upheld.
Over time, however, filial piety was gradually twisted into a rigid doctrine of absolute paternal authority. Parents were seen as heaven, children as earth; even in the face of abuse, children were expected to submit without resistance. This led to extreme and troubling ideas, that parents held total power over their children’s lives, and gave rise to distorted tales such as Guo Ju Buries His Son and Lying on Ice for Carp. Even Lu Xun criticized such stories for “slandering the ancients and corrupting the young.”
But if we trace things back further, the Confucian idea of filial piety in the pre-Qin era was far more humane. The Classic of Filial Piety says: “Our body, hair, and skin are received from our parents; we must not harm them, this is the beginning of filial piety. To establish oneself, follow the proper way, and bring honor to one’s name for future generations, thereby glorifying one’s parents, this is the fulfillment of filial piety.” Beyond that, caring for parents in illness and keeping them company were also essential expressions of filial duty.
In other words, early filial piety was layered and rooted in sincerity. For those with limited ability, taking care of oneself, staying healthy and avoiding harm so as not to cause worry, is already filial. For those of average means, being present, offering care and companionship, is filial. For those of exceptional ability, achieving success, contributing to society, and bringing honor to one’s parents, this is the highest form of filial piety.
Seen this way, traditional filial values were never rigid, nor did they treat children as tools or servants. Instead, they respected each child’s individuality and capacity, allowing everyone to practice filial piety in their own way.
It does not erase a child’s independence, nor does it excuse parental excess. It begins with parental kindness, from which filial devotion naturally follows. When parents fulfill their responsibilities with care and warmth, children respond with gratitude and a willingness to give back. Mutual understanding, mutual support, that is what family love is meant to be.
This two-way warmth, kind parents and devoted children, can restore confidence in having children. It is the foundation of family harmony, the path to a thriving and enduring society, and the most balanced way to achieve a shared good between family and nation.
About the Author
Eddy Lee traces his lineage to Yashan, site of the last battle of the Southern Song dynasty in 1279. A member of the Third Front generation, families relocated during China’s industrial campaign of the 1960s and 70s, he now lives in Guangzhou, China.
© Eddy Lee 2026 Copyright
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Article Information
Category: Non Fiction / Essay
Tags: Devotion / Humanity / Parenting
